Happy List

1. Exhausted: ETS study guide, Kaplan study guide, CliffNotes Math study guide; ready to tackle this bitch.
2. Lady Lou is pretty much my favorite being alive right now
3. I had a breakthrough with Maximilian the chameleon, who is now my favorite housesitting pooch.
4. I get to see/hang out with/party with Rory and Sasha tomorrow through Friday.
5. Application progress--it's a happy thing!
6. Training progress; found my yellow bandana again which means shit's about to get serious.
7. Sephora,  LP and I had a date and we discovered amazing lip stains and the Greek brand Korres of which I am now a fanatic.  
8. The song Lady Love by Lou Rawls is pretty fucking perfect.
9. I'm getting my mamma a Kindle for Christmas and she's going to flip.
10. Jenna Marbles and Coco are keeping me sane through this application/dad's health problems sitch.
11. I have rediscovered bananas on peanut butter on whole wheat toast.  Yum.
12. Cold weather clothes have arrived!  Time to rejoice for plaid scarves and a yellow pea coat!
13. Karil is coming for Thanksgiving; I may have a sister-in-law yet.
14. The song You and I by Gaga, which sounds like it is sung by Carrie Underwood, makes my pulse race and my body want to gyrate. 
15. Lady country music in general is now a soundtrack to my life.  I think it's supremely American, sexy and fresh.  I'm getting bored with melancholy electronicalternative everything.
16. Beirut and Austra and The Head and the Heart are exceptions to that rule.
17. I did not allow myself to settle and I feel fantastic about this with the aftermath; seeing him with another girl did not make me upset and now I know for sure it was the right decision.  Thanks, intuition!

I think I will definitely post a Thankful For list.  Stay tuned!

What? You mean that's actually a thing?

I know this may seem odd, but I thought that I had a pretty good idea what sports were out there in this vast world.  You know, I knew about Cricket, so I thought I was set.  I figured that the majority of the games were prevalent, seen at the Olympics, popularized by ESPN.  But apparently I was mistaken.  For example, have you ever heard of netball?  Yep, me either.  It is played worldwide, most prominently in England and mainly by women.  It appears, from brief Wikipedia skim, to be a miniaturized basketball game.  How about the game of bandy?  This one I'm going to chalk up to the fact that I live in a warm climate and thus rarely deal with snow or ice or any of that nonsense.  It seems to me that bandy is actually just what Americans call hockey.  Speaking of hockey, did you know that in the rest of the world, hockey seems to be associated with what Americans call field hockey?  I know field hockey is played more so on the East Coast and at affluent private schools nationwide, as are lacrosse and crew.  But there are others I've never heard any mention of!  Like shinty, which again, seems like a variation of field hockey and is regularly played in Ireland.

I'm pretty locked up in the UK here, but what else is out there?  God, I'm such a small-town American.

Autumn Air

Fall has finally arrived here.  It's about time.  And as usual, it came upon us with absolutely no warning or apologies.  It's about 59 F out right now, which is, to borrow from the Brits, bloody cold for us.  It is even colder than Chicago!

Anyway, I've been fighting stomach problems all week which has been a nightmare, but it seems they are subsiding finally.  I spent this entire day in repose, lying around and wishing I were outside enjoying the air.  It gave me plenty of time to do a lot of nothing.  Meaning I watched my backlog of internet to-do's, ie. Arrested Development, The Lying Game, Tower of Terror, A Very Potter Musical.  And it was the latter that reminded me that I never watched any videos from LeakyCon.  Go 'head, laugh it up.  I'm the biggest Potterhead I know, and despite my attempts to find someone just as fanatical in my real life, the search has come up short on multiple occasions.  Alas, the majority of the people I feel most attuned with on this subject are virtual friends, people I've met through the years (and I mean years and years, over 14 at this point) who hypothesized with me and edited my terrible ships of fan fiction and generally loved all over the wondrous world of HP with me. 

The point is, the last and probably final meaningful HP convention was in July, aligned with the film release of DH Pt. II, and I really wanted to be there.  I mean, I could not have afforded to go since this was right in the middle of me finishing my degree, writing my thesis, etc.  But my heart wanted desperately to be among those who understood and were totally unafraid to let their freak flags fly.  haha  I must seem like a nut.  Well, regardless, the videos left me sobbing in my bed.  I almost feel like it was a death I didn't properly deal with, and Lord knows I've had enough experience this year with how losing someone feels.  So I dealt today.  I watched silly fan videos and cried and remembered the theories I came up with, the stories I'd written and the way I used to emulate Jo Rowling's writing, and the binding broken on my Prisoner of Azkaban first edition.  I remembered how nobody believed me when I told them that I thought Harry and Voldemort had to both die and that the prophecy had a double meaning.  I remember arguing with my Leaky friends about it and being totally mystified that everyone else on the net thought for sure that it JUST meant that Harry had to kill Voldemort.  I've never quite expressed how vindicated I felt when my theory was proven correct.

Anyway, this post is already too long, so I'll just say, thanks HP.  Thanks Jo Rowling.  For teaching me to write and to think and dream big.  I haven't forgotten, maybe just been a little sidetracked.  

Here's the video I've had on repeat.  The song is really clever, really beautiful, and quite touching.
Check it out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDNxa2UoEUI&feature=related

Just finished Kyle XY...so disappointed.

While I acknowledge that this show is vaguely for teenagers...in 2007...I'd like to point out that I was one then, and therefore it is totally legitimate that I am catching up on it now. I really quite liked it! I absolutely hated that there was no closure for the ending of the series. I wish they would pull a Buffy and finish it up with a graphic novel or something. Made for television movie? Something? Bone? Please?

Happy for

Roley poley produce <3
My dad's senior learning classes
5K in January (eek)
Oregon
Cold weather
Dark Chocolate Cherry Chewy bars (weakness)
5K playlist
Havarti cheese and tomatoes
Chicaaaago in 10 days
The Mist of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley which makes me want to burn sage and dance naked  (As does I Capture the Castle which I found on Netflix the other night).  Seriously wishing I lived somewhere remote so that this nude dancing in nature could occur.
Presents from friends are all things with which to decorate a house which I love.
My diploma came in!

Stagnant Living

Here comes your man...

Tonight I'm happy because of...

*a good friend buffer who has always been a good friend buffer, despite the drama we've been through.
*Free Blue Moon
*Childhood friend hugs
*Amber amulets to protect me from insecurity
*Kisses from my first kiss! What a sweet concept.
*My new, temporary roommates Matt and Maggie
*Clif Bars are delicious.
*my yellow bandana.
*Chicago on the brain...
*EDIT: Also per "un bacio" di lontano di Modena, Italia. <3

How are these idiots so wise?  I am boggled at this.  Anyway, here's to honesty.

Grateful for: Skins, Netflix, Englishness, water, food, air conditioning.

I'm thankful for...

*Emily, Amy, Corinna, Kristen, Cherry
*my laptop
*deoderant
*books
*Tia&Tio
*yoga
*perfume
*pillows
*cotten
*mythology
*maps
*men-folk
*bug spray
*ibuprofen
*Kashi Peanut Peanut Butter Chewy Granola Bars
*Matt Kearney's crooning
*hiking
*my yellow bandana
*freedom in running

Do work.

"Poca favilla gran fiamma seconda."
-Dante Alighieri, pappa della lingua italiana moderna


(Google it.)

Here's to the future

Reads like a good novel

She stared at the scribbled pages littering her bed, and sighed.  On her television, children in black robes ran about the corridors of a castle, solving mysteries and making memories.  She lifted her eyes and watched the clouds float behind the sheer blue curtains.  "Time to fix this," she thought resolutely. 

Now.

I just feel really badly about the whole mess.  And what a mess it was, in retrospect.  Gosh, I can't believe myself sometimes.

Baby's Freshest Beat Poet.

Watchu want-girl?
I want a friend, someone who cares about me and wants me around.

Watchu need, girl?
Someone who will put me first.

It ain't you, is it?  Well shoot.

Thanks for the tough love, bro.
Loved feeling you up, let's do it again.
 Niente.
   Niente.
     Niente.

E il modo in qui io sento.

sento Sento sento troppo.

Penso pEnso penso tRoppo.

Io amo AMO amo troppo.

PER


NIENTE NIENTE NIENTE mondo.  tu sei niente, mondo.  che cosa faccio?

:)

I was made for sunny days! 

Pool time. Convertible time. 

Life time.

Live For Little Moments

Seriously playing Summertime by Kenny Chesney, Our Song by Taylor Swift and I Was Made For Sunny Days by The Weepies over and over and over.

My logic seems to be that if I internalize them, they can act as talismans against anything unhappy in my summer.  Three hour maxi-prep at work? Wa-cha! Hadouken! "It's a smile, it's a kiss, it's a sip of wine, it's a summertime!"  Same old argument with the rents? BAM! "I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car."

Instantly transported to an internal place where the sun is warm on my skin, my suit is wet underneath an old sundress, my face freckled and my hair damp, wavy and messy, flying around my face from the wind blowing through the open windows, wafting the smell of chlorine around the car....sigh.  I breathe deeply, and I don't let it go.  Then I open my eyes and all is rosier.

 I also think I need to make sleep a priority; I think I've gotten like 12 hours this entire week.  I am just trying to manage working all day with having a "social life."  Plus, I wanted to see L-Rager, and since she was leaving, well, time was limited. 

In other news, I'm very bummed out still over events of a long time ago.  I don't know what the cure is to this, because it's not even a real affliction.  I just want to not care, but I can't.  But I think it has much more to do with me in this situation AGAIN, than me in the situation to begin with.  Does that make sense?

I could really go for a hazelnut latte right now...

Two Things

I really didn't care anyway.

And I guess this is me getting what I deserve.  Karma's a bitch.

Maybe I'll go work tomorrow.  I think that's probably the life I want.  Working all the time.  No time for a boyfriend or family.  It will give me purpose.

Sigh.

Once more, with a twist

I stopped writing bad screenplays, I really did.  And the idea of a real relationship was even scarier. Woops, back to the former.

Prendiamo pillole per la felicità (misericordia)

When did everything become so surreal?  I like this song quite a bit.

Failed again

Everything's always fine until it isn't.

I'm a New Morning

I woke up and wished that I was dead, there's an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed. I thought of me, and where I'd gone, and the world spins madly on. I DO NOT feel infinite. I haven't in a long time. I can't figure this out.

Daily Insight

Maybe all I can do is imitate, emulate, but never truly live for myself.

Creepy unacknowledged foresight

I didn't put on eyeliner or mascara this morning. 

Life List

These are the things I can do:
1) Read music well, sight read, sight sing, compose music
2) Play the alto saxophone
3) Run 3 miles at a time
4) Sit in lotus and meditate
5) Run a Western Blot
6) Isolate stem cells from human fat tissue
7) Grow embryonic cells, mammary cells, and blood cells
8) Conduct chemical reactions
9) Use Excel
10)Talk to my boss
11) Write a resume
12) Toss flags in the air
13) Text quickly on my phone
14) Read Italian literature
15) Read Italian historical fiction
16) Write Italian essays, journals and stories for children
17) Converse in Italian
18) Write 40 page lab reports
19) Make friends
20) Spend money
21)Write thank you notes
22) Learn the lyrics to all the songs on the radio
23) After Thanksgiving shop
24) Bargain hunt
25) Create a fashionable outfit for someone who is a size 4
26) Create a flattering outfit for myself
27) Fix computers
28) Use the internet to learn new things about people I know
29) Read scientific articles
30) Organize summer camps for children
31) Talk to businesses and sell my product
32) Quote some of the worst movies on this Earth that also happen to be my favorites: Bring It On, Ever After, Legally Blonde, A Knight's Tale, Fight Club, Star Trek, etc.
33) Sing any song perfectly from the following musicals: West Side Story, Cinderella, Peter Pan, Avenue Q, Spelling Bee, Chicago, Cabaret, Baby, Into the Woods, Bye Bye Birdie, Wicked, Next to Normal, Spring Awakening, ...etc.

Not that impressive.  Where is "Climb K2,"  "Star in a Broadway show," "Live in Italy," and "Publish a scientific paper?"  Better get on that...

"Click Click Saddle Up, See You On The Moon Then"

All of these people know what they're doing, they really really do.  I really really do not.  Do not do not do not.

Do not ask me a question; I don't know the answer.

Why do I keep pretending?

Who is it really for at this point? I just feel like a liar.  A liar who will inevitably fail and it is all her damn fault.

ha, boytoy, I wish!

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

wish this next 10 minutes were going by faster...

mother effer

Worst fear confirmed. I am not interesting.  I might go as far as to say that I am boring.  I'm almost ok with that though, because I think everyone is actually very boring we just assign interest to those who are doing stupid things and dangerous things.  Which is stupid.


"Why are you sad?"
"hmm?"
"Because you put on the headband and it didn't work?"
"..."

You condescending asshole. thanks.

LIFE SUCKS. FUCK THE WORLD. FUCK EVERYTHING.  FUCK EVERYONE. FUCK SOCIETY. FUCK LOVE. FUCK RELATIONSHIPS. FUCK BEING NORMAL. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Falling off the wagon already

I'm looking for love in all the wrong places, but

Ain’t that the reason you’re at this bar?

If I meet you, nameless, there, does virtuality really make a difference?

We are both anonymous.

But maybe I needed to see your face, because when I did, it gave me hope.

Dear S, You have no interest in me,and why would you? How foolish. We hardly know eachother. Yes, your sister was my friend in high school, and your best friend is my best friend's brother, but that's not kismet amour, that just means I will see you a lot. I faced reality, there's nothing for us here. You're either too young or I'm too dull, but in both situations I'm not seeing anything like a spark in our future. It's time for me to stop writing bad screenplays. Sorry for wasting your texts. Let's just stay friendly acquaintances, yeah? It's worked for the past 5 years. Platonic love and apologies, M